Line Cutters

Dear Ratface,

I was waiting in line at the amusement park when a group of kids jumped the railings and cut in line in front of everyone. I got so mad. I was too mad to decide if I should beat up the kids or the dumbass that let them cut in front without even saying a word. What would you have done? -Made to Wait

Dear Made to Wait,

Heh. Well, your first mistake was waiting in line behind people who would let you cut in front of them. Now, hypothetically, if I was waiting in line and some kids were brave enough, read stupid enough, to cut in front of me, I wouldn't say anything either. I've made a fairly lucrative career out of killing silently. It's an extraordinarily useful skill with all sorts of unexpected applications. -Ratface

Whine

Dear Ratface,

What type of wine should I have with a fish and red sauce meal? The fish calls for white, but the red sauce calls for red. I'm stuck! Please help, my partner is coming over for dinner any minute. -Winer

Dear Winer,

Skip the fish and the sauce red white blue or otherwise. Go for red wine. Followed by white wine. Followed by more red. Then more white. -Ratface

Fatties

Dear Ratface,

I know this guy who's hugely immensely obese. I'm always tempted to say, "Hi Fatty!". Have you ever engaged in the activity known as fat paddling? Is it as much fun as it sounds? - Wabalawabala

Dear Wabalawabala,

Hugely immensely obese? Ha! I had a job once involving a king. A hugely immensely obese king. In the vernacular. I was gonna get paid extra if it looked like an accident. As opposed to an axe-ident. If you catch my meaning. So there I was hiding in the royal bedchambers waiting for them to wheel the king's bed in from the throne room. No lie. The guy was so fat he never left his bed. They just moved it around with him on it. Eventually, he chased away all the servants. Except the queen. He tells her she talks to much and gives her a look. She gives him a look right back. And a big ole sigh. Then she starts rootin' around at the bottom of this mountain of flesh. He's quite distracted. And she can't see a thing behind this wall of blubber. So i just stroll up. Grab one of his chins. And wrap it over his face. Not exactly fat paddling. But whatever. He's finished. She's finished. I'm finished. Problem was. It looked too natural. The customer needed a little persuasion to cough up the bonus. If you catch my meaning. -Ratface

Rouge

Dear Ratface,

So what's it like to be a barbarian rouge in real life? -Bad Speller

Dear Bad Speller,

Rouge is makeup for your face. It's the base layer stuff they smear on your corpse to keep it from looking like a corpse. I'm a rogue. And I like it. Thank you very much. It's sort of a rat eat rat world. Kinda crowded labor force if you catch my meaning. Unless of course you're the big rat. Good luck with that. -Ratface

Why?

Dear Ratface,

Why are you such an asstard? -Curious.

Dear Curious,

Why are you such a beautiful corpse? Ha ha. Nah seriously, meet me in my office at 3 am. It's in the dark forbidding alley behind the Squat 'n' Gobble. I'll explain it to you in as great a detail as you wish. Bring coin. Lots of coin. -Ratface.

War

Dear Ratface,

I'm a soldier in a war that people think is unjust. What do I do? -Shaky Soldier

Dear Shaky,

Suck it up. You took the man's coin. You do his job. He's not paying you to think. He's especially not paying you to engage your schizo imaginary selves in some morality ethics debate. You're a freaking soldier for crying out loud. He's paying you kill people. Kill who he tells you to. When that job's done come home and kill whoever you want. If you don't have the guts for it - pay me. I'll do the killing for you. If you can afford me. Which I doubt, soldier. -Ratface

Blockers

Dear Ratface,

Some otherwise nice but oblivious people were blocking the aisle through the store. I excused myself politely and waited patiently for them to notice me. But it took a while. In fact, I think they had finished their business and were actually just moving on. What should I have done. -Feeling Ignored.

Dear Feeling Ignored,

This is what Ratface calls a 'mistake'. Say in a strong voice, "You will get of the way. Right now." Give them a split second to take in your toothsome mug. If they don't high tail it right then, quickdraw your greataxe, rage, and sneak attack their heads from their shoulders. Then turn to the stunned onlookers and put a sort of puzzled innocent look on your face. Say, "Oh, did you think that was a request?" I guarantee, they will not make that mistake again. -Ratface