Dear Ratface,
Why are you such an asstard? -Curious.
Dear Curious,
Why are you such a beautiful corpse? Ha ha. Nah seriously, meet me in my office at 3 am. It's in the dark forbidding alley behind the Squat 'n' Gobble. I'll explain it to you in as great a detail as you wish. Bring coin. Lots of coin. -Ratface.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
War
Dear Ratface,
I'm a soldier in a war that people think is unjust. What do I do? -Shaky Soldier
Dear Shaky,
Suck it up. You took the man's coin. You do his job. He's not paying you to think. He's especially not paying you to engage your schizo imaginary selves in some morality ethics debate. You're a freaking soldier for crying out loud. He's paying you kill people. Kill who he tells you to. When that job's done come home and kill whoever you want. If you don't have the guts for it - pay me. I'll do the killing for you. If you can afford me. Which I doubt, soldier. -Ratface
I'm a soldier in a war that people think is unjust. What do I do? -Shaky Soldier
Dear Shaky,
Suck it up. You took the man's coin. You do his job. He's not paying you to think. He's especially not paying you to engage your schizo imaginary selves in some morality ethics debate. You're a freaking soldier for crying out loud. He's paying you kill people. Kill who he tells you to. When that job's done come home and kill whoever you want. If you don't have the guts for it - pay me. I'll do the killing for you. If you can afford me. Which I doubt, soldier. -Ratface
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Blockers
Dear Ratface,
Some otherwise nice but oblivious people were blocking the aisle through the store. I excused myself politely and waited patiently for them to notice me. But it took a while. In fact, I think they had finished their business and were actually just moving on. What should I have done. -Feeling Ignored.
Dear Feeling Ignored,
This is what Ratface calls a 'mistake'. Say in a strong voice, "You will get of the way. Right now." Give them a split second to take in your toothsome mug. If they don't high tail it right then, quickdraw your greataxe, rage, and sneak attack their heads from their shoulders. Then turn to the stunned onlookers and put a sort of puzzled innocent look on your face. Say, "Oh, did you think that was a request?" I guarantee, they will not make that mistake again. -Ratface
Some otherwise nice but oblivious people were blocking the aisle through the store. I excused myself politely and waited patiently for them to notice me. But it took a while. In fact, I think they had finished their business and were actually just moving on. What should I have done. -Feeling Ignored.
Dear Feeling Ignored,
This is what Ratface calls a 'mistake'. Say in a strong voice, "You will get of the way. Right now." Give them a split second to take in your toothsome mug. If they don't high tail it right then, quickdraw your greataxe, rage, and sneak attack their heads from their shoulders. Then turn to the stunned onlookers and put a sort of puzzled innocent look on your face. Say, "Oh, did you think that was a request?" I guarantee, they will not make that mistake again. -Ratface
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Retard
Dear Ratface,
The barber shop was full. This big guy walks in. It didn't look like he needed a haircut. Every time a chair became available he jumped up and started shouting. Take me next! Take me next! Sometimes he even jumped into the chair. No tip for you. The stylists laughed nervously. And eventually talked him out of the barber chair and back to the waiting chair. He obviously had mental issues. Like understanding the idea he needs to wait his turn. But he was a big guy and kinda scary. What should I do? -Long Hair.
Dear Long Hair,
Kick the crap out of that retard. Obviously, whatever special education program he came from failed. A little school of hard knocks might do him some good. The harder the knock the better as far as I'm concerned. Certainly don't reward his anti-social behavior. Or I'll knock the crap out of you. -Ratface.
The barber shop was full. This big guy walks in. It didn't look like he needed a haircut. Every time a chair became available he jumped up and started shouting. Take me next! Take me next! Sometimes he even jumped into the chair. No tip for you. The stylists laughed nervously. And eventually talked him out of the barber chair and back to the waiting chair. He obviously had mental issues. Like understanding the idea he needs to wait his turn. But he was a big guy and kinda scary. What should I do? -Long Hair.
Dear Long Hair,
Kick the crap out of that retard. Obviously, whatever special education program he came from failed. A little school of hard knocks might do him some good. The harder the knock the better as far as I'm concerned. Certainly don't reward his anti-social behavior. Or I'll knock the crap out of you. -Ratface.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
MySpace
Dear Ratface,
I met this woman on MySpace. Her page says she's 19 and divorced. We met in real life and she said she just turned 18. She wants to have sex. What should I do? - Not-so-sure.
Dear Not-so-sure,
Yer fucked. She's underage. Or she's your kid's schoolteacher. Either way she's a lying tramp. Crazy biatches are born. Not made. Fuck her. Then fuck her again. If she's underage you're fucked anyway. The lawman's gonna getcha. Lawman won't care if she showed you fake ID. Yer fucked. Fuck her. And if you're not gonna fuck her. Gimmer url. I'll fuck her - Ratface.
I met this woman on MySpace. Her page says she's 19 and divorced. We met in real life and she said she just turned 18. She wants to have sex. What should I do? - Not-so-sure.
Dear Not-so-sure,
Yer fucked. She's underage. Or she's your kid's schoolteacher. Either way she's a lying tramp. Crazy biatches are born. Not made. Fuck her. Then fuck her again. If she's underage you're fucked anyway. The lawman's gonna getcha. Lawman won't care if she showed you fake ID. Yer fucked. Fuck her. And if you're not gonna fuck her. Gimmer url. I'll fuck her - Ratface.
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