Line Cutters

Dear Ratface,

I was waiting in line at the amusement park when a group of kids jumped the railings and cut in line in front of everyone. I got so mad. I was too mad to decide if I should beat up the kids or the dumbass that let them cut in front without even saying a word. What would you have done? -Made to Wait

Dear Made to Wait,

Heh. Well, your first mistake was waiting in line behind people who would let you cut in front of them. Now, hypothetically, if I was waiting in line and some kids were brave enough, read stupid enough, to cut in front of me, I wouldn't say anything either. I've made a fairly lucrative career out of killing silently. It's an extraordinarily useful skill with all sorts of unexpected applications. -Ratface

Whine

Dear Ratface,

What type of wine should I have with a fish and red sauce meal? The fish calls for white, but the red sauce calls for red. I'm stuck! Please help, my partner is coming over for dinner any minute. -Winer

Dear Winer,

Skip the fish and the sauce red white blue or otherwise. Go for red wine. Followed by white wine. Followed by more red. Then more white. -Ratface

Fatties

Dear Ratface,

I know this guy who's hugely immensely obese. I'm always tempted to say, "Hi Fatty!". Have you ever engaged in the activity known as fat paddling? Is it as much fun as it sounds? - Wabalawabala

Dear Wabalawabala,

Hugely immensely obese? Ha! I had a job once involving a king. A hugely immensely obese king. In the vernacular. I was gonna get paid extra if it looked like an accident. As opposed to an axe-ident. If you catch my meaning. So there I was hiding in the royal bedchambers waiting for them to wheel the king's bed in from the throne room. No lie. The guy was so fat he never left his bed. They just moved it around with him on it. Eventually, he chased away all the servants. Except the queen. He tells her she talks to much and gives her a look. She gives him a look right back. And a big ole sigh. Then she starts rootin' around at the bottom of this mountain of flesh. He's quite distracted. And she can't see a thing behind this wall of blubber. So i just stroll up. Grab one of his chins. And wrap it over his face. Not exactly fat paddling. But whatever. He's finished. She's finished. I'm finished. Problem was. It looked too natural. The customer needed a little persuasion to cough up the bonus. If you catch my meaning. -Ratface

Rouge

Dear Ratface,

So what's it like to be a barbarian rouge in real life? -Bad Speller

Dear Bad Speller,

Rouge is makeup for your face. It's the base layer stuff they smear on your corpse to keep it from looking like a corpse. I'm a rogue. And I like it. Thank you very much. It's sort of a rat eat rat world. Kinda crowded labor force if you catch my meaning. Unless of course you're the big rat. Good luck with that. -Ratface