Envy

Dear Ratface,

Sometimes I sure wish I was you. Or at least lived in your world. Like today for example. This person of authority was being really really stupid. They were making me very very angry. I would have really liked to have been able to throw them under a train. But society is far to civilized to allow that sort of behavior. -Envious

Dear Envious,

It might come as a surprise but I don't kill everyone who pisses me off. Stupid people have their uses. Meat shields, for one. Give the bad guys something to shoot at besides myself. Useful. Here's a little thought I find useful when dealing with some armored freak who's been hit in the head with blunt objects a few too many times: In a few hours you won't be angry any more, but they'll still be stupid. -Ratface

Oxymoron

Dear Ratface,

Now that fourth edition is available, I was wondering. What's it like to be a washed up has been? There are no barbarians in fourth edition. Nor are there half-orcs. There are still rogues. But they're very different beasts. Are you some sort of shade now? Relegated to satirical comic references to previous once loved games? -Smarmy

Dear Smarmy,

I've got your satire right here, boy. Come get it. Rest assured. You can sleep soundly at night knowing that I am exactly what I have always been. Except now I prowl for you. -Ratface

2nd Breakfast

Dear Ratface,

Do you like killing people? If not, what is your favorite thing? -Morbid

Dear Morbid,

Do you like sitting your fat ass in an over-airconditioned cubicle? Nah, it's just something I'm good at that pays well. Hell, I'd just as soon play classical guitar. Seriously though, my favorite thing has to be second breakfast. And no, not them berry filled tart things. What? I look like a halfling to you? Second breakfast is when you hunt your prey. You wait for it to make its kill. They you make yours. You cut open its belly. Real careful like so you don't accidentally nick its stomach. Which you liberate and tie off both ends. Put it in your pack. It'll keep all day. When you get hungry, pull it out. Make a slit in the side. Open it up so it's now sorta bowl shaped. Shovel the yummy bits into your pie hole. Delicious. Enjoy. -Ratface

Pancakes

Dear Ratface,

I was at the Squat-n-Gobble yesterday, and the waiter brought me pancakes without any butter. I asked for butter, and he apologized and quickly brought plenty. How would you have handled the situation. -Hot Cakes

Dear Hot Cakes,

Pancakes are a breakfast food. The ritual of breakfast is traditionally observed in the morning. A time when Ratface has better things to do. Much better things to do. Like sleep. I don't really give a rat's fart if there's butter on my pancakes or not. But let's say for the sake of discussion a server in a fine dining establishment screwed up my order and didn't bring me butter on my pancakes. I woulda grabbed that fool's hand and smacked it down on the table. No butter, says I. Then I quickdraw a dagger and stab it through the guys hand deep into the table. Then says I, go fetch me some butter boy. And while he's standing there stuck and squealin I slowly pull out an axe and take careful aim at his wrist. I'm betting they get free right about then. And for added amusement, I'd wolf down the pancakes before they could bring the butter. Mop up the guy's blood with em. Delicious, says I. -Ratface

Dwarfism

Dear Ratface,

Please take pity on all the people in the world afflicted with dwarfism. They suffer horrific physical deformities from this genetic aberration. They should be put out of their misery. I'm sure you'd agree. And you have the skills and tools to do so. -Better Than

Dear Better Than,

First, I don't work for free. So cough up the dough, Mac. Second, Dwarves got their uses. They make great meat shields. And the gods seem to like em. Pious little buggers. So they make good clerics. Third, take pity on all the people in the world afflicted with foot-in-mouth-ism. They suffer horrific physical deformities. Most notably the one from which the disease takes its name. -Ratface

Work

Dear Ratface,

My employer asked everyone to come in to work this weekend. The request went out on friday afternoon. I was kinda torqued. I mean, I had plans. What would Ratface do? -Overworked

Dear Overworked,

Get drunk. Torch the place. -Ratface

Training

Dear Ratface,

I ride the train to work every day. Coming home today the train was close to full. There were several empty seats. But by empty I mean they were occupied by someone's stuff. Everyone pretended they couldn't see me. I was too polite to yell at anyone. Even though I wanted to. So I stood. What would Ratface do? -Sore Feet

Dear Sore Feet,

Oh Ratface might say something simple like, "Move." If they don't budge grab there stuff and toss it off the train. Problem solved. Most likely though they'll free up the seat. At this point, smile. Chuckle a little if you're so inclined. Then say, "You misunderstood. 'Move' doesn't mean, 'Please move your stuff.' 'Move' means, 'Change seats. Now.'" -Ratface